Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

this made my day 😂

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

There’s always that one guy

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.

My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.

I hope this email finds you in a well

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.