Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*