Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

Parents: Are you eating well at school?

Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?