Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?

I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

that’s really how it is

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.