Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I speak Spanish?

Oui!

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

That’s just how Julius Caesar.

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

Diabetes was the God of sugar.