Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?

“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

January is lasting longer than my marriage

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

The human personality is made of five key elements

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.