Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
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“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Dead
Alive
Other✔
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!