Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
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Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
She puts the hot in psychotic
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
what?
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead