Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.

There’s No L.

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off