Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
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Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA