me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
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the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.