Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.