Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
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I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.