Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.