Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

another case of gang violins

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

you could not pay me to delete this app

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.