me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
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I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
