Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

Seems legit

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers