Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”

New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!