me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
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Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.