Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

[texting]

her: 🍆+🍑

me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*

her: YES!!!!

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

love it when they get my name right

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking