Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
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If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.