Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

🎉🥳

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

I have a black belt in leather

“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.