Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

lmao

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

i’m still crying at this

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security