Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

Netflix and scream at our children?!

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please