me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
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“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
ok like just. call me at this point
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
this is a sign that you need a union
