Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
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[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old