Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have questions??

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.