Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

Best spot.. 😅

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.