Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
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Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.