Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
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Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
