Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

Feels like the fourth month in January

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣