Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

I’m tired tomorrow.

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

Rare photo of two submarines racing

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.