Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers