Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

my retirement plan is braless

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.