Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

We will we will drink you

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

*pours vodka after bad day*

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

Flock of bats

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?