me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
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sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
The photographer’s assistant
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Barbie gone wild
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”