me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
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You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
choose your gary
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?