me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
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Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
yeah 😭
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
incredible
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done