Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

Expect the unexporcupine.

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

This poor dog

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain