Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

I’m pretty like a car crash.

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

welcome back

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks