Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
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I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break