Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
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Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air