Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*