Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
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A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.