@ArfMeasures

ME: This car’s perfect except for one thing
WIFE: Yes, there’s no room for the childre-
ME: [finds cup holder] lol I was wrong, it’s perfect

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@sweetandweak

I wear a neck brace to the gym because it makes my physical ineptitude less embarrassing.

@JElvisWeinstein

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

@BriarSlyMalice

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

@Chumpstring

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

@UncleDuke1969

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”

@Brianhopecomedy

My Mom asked me to help her sign up to Twitter so I did and she’s really enjoying Google Plus.

@dafloydsta

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

@KenJennings

DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
“Can we put Nutella on our salmon and call it salmonella?”
This has been DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON

@rachelle_mandik

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

@genehunter1

After the delicious brownies have all been consumed following my funeral,
a video of me will inform everyone that they just ate my ashes.