*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
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the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?