me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
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When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.