me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
You Might Also Like
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church