Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
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Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…