Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!

Me: Christine divorced me

Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!

Me: He stole Christine

Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!

Me: They took the dog

Fb: I KNOW

Me: Why are you doing this

Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.

Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?

9: what?

Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?

9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!

Me: are you nervous?

9: stop!!!

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.