me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
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Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.