me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
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Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.