Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later