Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

You can’t rush stupid.

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away