Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart

Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi

No you didn’t, 9 year old lol

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19