Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
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*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
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coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.