Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]