Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.