Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

ㅤ

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”