Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
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“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward