Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

My biological clock is wheezing.

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI