Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?

Me: Which one helps with reflux?

*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa