Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

Good lord

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses