Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

The cycle continues

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*