Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

💀💀

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.