Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

Me: Bitch, try me.

Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

ㅤ

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!