ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
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(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.