Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection