Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

Growing up was a huge mistake

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

had to make it

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

I’m giving up for Lent.

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

choose your fighter

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything