ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
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I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh