Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

[eulogy]

line?

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

$3 #books