Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too

I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY

“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro