Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
You Might Also Like
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
