Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

Ok but actually

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

I thought this was funny lol

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?