Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
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Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
